Mussolini Is A TwiHard

I don't know how many people have read any of Mussolini's half-coherent ramblings about the basis of fascism, but let me save you the suspense: if the man worked for a shampoo company, he'd find a way to turn "lather, rinse, repeat" into The Iliad.

But when being forced to slog through pages and pages of the State and the State's will and the State's grandmother, one does understand a little of why several million Italians decided this was the kind of crazy that was good to have in vogue. Mussolini is pretty good at creating a big blank hole that anyone can conveniently step into and find themselves being described as a victim of communism, pacifism, vegetarianism, anything and everything. Standing in this hole, a person can fit what might be generously called ideas around their personal problems and find a comforting authoritarian resolution. Late train? Fix it with fascism! Feeling ugly? Fix it with fascism! Erectile dysfunction? You can become gay, or fascist, or possibly both!

Anyway, the point is, Mussolini's writing is pretty subjective for anyone who needs a quick and easy answer to bad feelings. And in this way, his work stays true to that of a certain vampire-werewolf-sparkle novel and its sequels, all of which are floating through popular culture as we speak. I'm referring, of course, to Twilight, that beacon of fail amongst the moderately awful vampire novels that are so fashionable right now. Many people have attributed Twilight's success to the total lack of personality of Bella Swan, heroine, adventurer, and possible schizophrenic. "Writer" Stephanie Meyer claims she purposefully made Bella "ambiguous" (read: dumb as a post) so that pre-teen girls could cut and paste themselves into Bella's vapid shoes. Just juggle the names a little bit and you could find yourself pursued by a handsome likely-bisexual with golden eyes and hair like an abstract sculpture of ocean waves. It's the American Dream!

I'm pretty sure that had Mussolini survived the fatal condition of overwearing small cylindrical hats, he would have been a pretty big fan of Twilight. Here is a young-adult novel that did a better job of creating an audience-proxy than he ever did. Let's be honest: when you live in 1930's Italy and you realize you are the shart of Europe, would you rather rally around a chubby little man wearing a teacozy on his head, or what looks like James Dean's dumb cousin? The answer, I think, does not have to be said. With the power of Edward Cullen's permanent PMS and his ability to be the understudy for a disco ball, Mussolini could have scrapped the Black Shirts and built a platoon of underage girls and questioning young men so awesome and mighty that before long, he'd have the rest of Europe dazzling each other and munching mountain lion knish--OR ELSE. Yes, Mussolini and his Beige Shirts would have been the terror of the Mediterranean, the West, the East, Mordor, and even possibly Utah.

Let's count our lucky stars Benito Mussolini only went on to vaguely conquer some stuff and end up ass-first in history as a dictator who emphasized the "dick" half of the world. If he'd gotten his hands on Twilight, we'd be up the sparkly, sparkly creek.